Strength...

There comes a time when you just have to say "enough is enough".  Finding that strength within yourself isn't always easy.  Whether it's convincing yourself to get back into the gym, stop drinking or in our case, to take a break from pumping hormones into my body and the emotional roller coaster of fertility treatments.  (Okay, so getting back into the gym is also on my list! More on that another time)

After our most recent round of treatment, I thought I had prepared myself for the disappointment that I had grown accustomed to.  When I received the phone call Tuesday afternoon that the results were (again) negative, I felt numb.  I kept telling myself that I was hoping for the best but was prepare for the worst, so when my best friend asked me if I wanted to cry, I put up a wall and didn't allow myself to grieve right then and there.  Instead, I found myself balling my eyes out in a Target bathroom 20 minutes later.  I pulled myself together for the drive home, telling myself, and my best friend that it was OK and that I had prepared myself for it and didn't need to cry.  The next hour or so seems like a blur...

An hour later I dropped Shan off and headed home.  At this point, I hadn't even called my hubby to let him know, I knew the pain I was feeling and didn't want to burden him with it while he was at work.  I called my mom and as soon as I heard her voice the tears started to flow... before I knew it, that wall I had been building came crumbling down.  I walked into my house knowing my husband wouldn't be home for another two hours and broke down.  I proceeded to draw a hot bath and allowed myself to sob for the next hour before calling him to let him know what our results were.

In the past, a negative, resulted in one evening of some tears and then life went on the next day.  This time around has been much different.  After sobbing for much of the night and crying myself to sleep, I told myself tomorrow would be a better day.  After all, that's what the trend had been before.  Unfortunately, that has not been the case this time around.  Here I sit, two days later still trying to figure out the whys, how comes and poor mes...

With all that being said, I am now trying to convince myself that it's okay to take the next month off of treatments and to just enjoy the holidays, focus on eating better and getting myself back to a healthy weight...

Anger, Frustration and the like...

When the time comes that you start to question faith, there really is no way to describe it.  You find yourself asking, "Why not?"  I have found myself more and more questioning prayer and if they really can be answered.  When one couple endures disappointment, depression and anger month after month (for over a decade), you can't help but to wonder WHY THE HELL are these prayers not being answered?  When there are so many people out there saying prayers for you, why can God not deliver on these prayers and bring the one true thing missing from your life!!!

Okay, so maybe I should rewind and go back to the beginning (or back to the beginning of the fertility roller coaster).  My amazing husband and I have been together for almost 12 years (married for 9 1/2).  From the day I met him, I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life with him and of course, figured we'd be the typical middle class family with 2.5 kids and a dog in the yard with a white picket fence.  After several years of hearing doctors say, "You are young, it will happen in time" or "Relax and don't think about it and it will happen" we decided to consult with our first doctor in Oregon.  After several months of throwing money at the situation and getting no answers, we abandoned that doctor and started looking for another one.

Fast forward to April 2011.  We found our amazing doctor who was extremely proactive in ordering tests and getting down to the bottom of things.  After spending several years carrying the burden that "It must be my fault" we were surprised they really couldn't find anything wrong with me.  And while it appears it could be on my husbands side, it wasn't such a severe problem that should have hindered us for this many years.

So here we are today.  After our third round of IUI, wondering where to go from here... 

Beauty

When I asked one of my best friends to do "Boudoir" Photos of me for a Christmas gift for my husband, never did I think that I, myself, could be taken back by a picture of myself.  I've never been one to consider myself "beautiful" let alone "Sexy".  Thank you Shannon for helping me realize that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes! 

It saddens me to think of all the women that can go through their lives and never truly feel beautiful at one point or another.  It doesn't take high heels and a pound of make up (Okay, so I did have on SOME make up) to feel special!