Strength...

There comes a time when you just have to say "enough is enough".  Finding that strength within yourself isn't always easy.  Whether it's convincing yourself to get back into the gym, stop drinking or in our case, to take a break from pumping hormones into my body and the emotional roller coaster of fertility treatments.  (Okay, so getting back into the gym is also on my list! More on that another time)

After our most recent round of treatment, I thought I had prepared myself for the disappointment that I had grown accustomed to.  When I received the phone call Tuesday afternoon that the results were (again) negative, I felt numb.  I kept telling myself that I was hoping for the best but was prepare for the worst, so when my best friend asked me if I wanted to cry, I put up a wall and didn't allow myself to grieve right then and there.  Instead, I found myself balling my eyes out in a Target bathroom 20 minutes later.  I pulled myself together for the drive home, telling myself, and my best friend that it was OK and that I had prepared myself for it and didn't need to cry.  The next hour or so seems like a blur...

An hour later I dropped Shan off and headed home.  At this point, I hadn't even called my hubby to let him know, I knew the pain I was feeling and didn't want to burden him with it while he was at work.  I called my mom and as soon as I heard her voice the tears started to flow... before I knew it, that wall I had been building came crumbling down.  I walked into my house knowing my husband wouldn't be home for another two hours and broke down.  I proceeded to draw a hot bath and allowed myself to sob for the next hour before calling him to let him know what our results were.

In the past, a negative, resulted in one evening of some tears and then life went on the next day.  This time around has been much different.  After sobbing for much of the night and crying myself to sleep, I told myself tomorrow would be a better day.  After all, that's what the trend had been before.  Unfortunately, that has not been the case this time around.  Here I sit, two days later still trying to figure out the whys, how comes and poor mes...

With all that being said, I am now trying to convince myself that it's okay to take the next month off of treatments and to just enjoy the holidays, focus on eating better and getting myself back to a healthy weight...