Moving Forward

I've never been one to just give up on the things I want most in life.  When I didn't make the softball team my junior year of high school, I still played city league.  When I was the shortest middle blocker on the volleyball court in our league, I pushed myself harder.  So it was no surprise that I wasn't going to give up on my dream to become a mom.

A few days after my last post, I got another call from our doctors office.  He had come to the conclusion that it was time to move forward with IVF.  He said we could continue trying IUI, but at this point (five failed IUI cycles) he strongly recommended we move forward.  There wasn't much for my hubby and I to discuss, we both know this is something we long for and want more than anything. 

Fast forward two and a half months to today.  At this point we have paid our deposit, filled out all the paperwork, done the first of two mandatory orientations and picked up a ridiculous amount of inject-able and oral medications.  We are moving forward!

As I look to the people in my life, I'm reminded on a daily basis of how incredibly lucky I am.  Without the financial help of my family and the love and support of family and friends, this would be a long and terrifying journey that no couple should ever have to face alone.  As with many other things in our lives, this has only brought Jake and I that much closer.  It seems every time we are faced with adversity that could tear us apart, it does the exact opposite and strengthens our love, our bond and our friendship.  We do not cast blame on one another, we talk about how exciting our future will be and remain positive.

I'd be lying if I said I'm not terrified as I sit here and look at the massive pile of prescriptions on our counter.  I cannot let that fear consume me though.  I remain realistically hopeful and focus in the mean time on improving myself and my relationship.  Over the next month and a half, I will give myself multiple injections on a daily basis, have a rigid calendar of oral medications to take and in a month, will have to step away from the gym (doctors orders).  I'm not naive and know this will not be easy what-so-ever.  I'm ready for this next chapter and ready to tackle anything thrown my way!

Two Weeks or An Eternity...

Waiting two weeks for a single phone call can seem like an eternity.  Over analyzing every little twinge, every little symptom (Or lack there of), can start to consume a person.  In the past, I'd told all my friends that we were about to embark on another round of IUI (aka Artificial Insemination).  This time around, only a small number of people knew that we were getting back on the fertility roller coaster.

My amazing husband and I had decided after our last go round that we were going to step back and take a few months away from that roller coaster.  Three weeks ago we got in line again and a week later it was our turn.  We went in so optimistic and so full of hope and desire.  After all, I had been able to "let go" of so many negative things in my life and the numbers were starting to look like they were turning to our favor.  How could we be anything but optimistic?

For the two weeks following, I laid low, remained positive and just knew it was time.  Everything seemed to be in place and it was time for us to have that one little thing we so desperately want to complete our happy little home.  When my phone rang this morning and I saw our doctors number on the screen, I just knew they were going to finally have that great news we've been waiting for after all these years of tears and let downs.  Then came the words I have grown much too accustomed to hearing, "Unfortunately, the test came back negative."

So here we are again, back on the roller coaster that is full of twists, turns, ups and downs.  Where do we go from here? That, I do not know.  We can either get back in line for this ride.  Or we up the ante and get in line for the bigger one, the scarier one, full of a lot more appointments, hormone injections and not to mention, money.

I'm not certain about many things in life, but the one thing I am certain of is that my husband and I are meant to be parents.  I long to be woken up in the middle of the night, to be thrown up on and to cradle that precious little soul in my arms, rocking him or her to sleep day in and day out...

Letting Go...

There comes a time in all of our lives that we have to let go and say good bye to someone.  Sometimes it's a decision we make, other times it may be God who decides.  In the past I found myself searching for the reason behind these goodbyes, after all they (whoever "they" may be) say everything happens for a reason, right?  It wasn't until recently that I discovered letting go is often one of the hardest battles you will fight within your own self.  I started allowing other people's opinions of me, change who I am.  I was turning into a person, that not only did I not know, but I didn't like!  When I came to that realization, I knew it was time to let go. 


Maya Angelou once said, "If I am not good to myself, how can I expect anyone else to be good to me?".  How incredibly true is this!  I've often found myself thinking I wasn't good enough, wasn't pretty enough, wasn't thin enough, etc.  It's negative self talk like this, that allowed me to fall into a downward spiral.  It wasn't until a friend of mine told me that I allowed one person to effect me "way too much" that I realized I wasn't being good to myself.  I was selling myself short.  For too long I have cared about what everyone else wanted, what everyone else thought about me and what more could I do to make everyone else happy.  I was putting my own happiness aside in an attempt to please those around me. 


Letting go of the past and moving forward with my head held high, I'm writing my story from here on out for me.  I'm excited to see where my future will take me.  I'm hopeful that as I learn to let go of the things I cannot change that I will be blessed with many years of happiness, health and love.  As I close this chapter in my life, I think it's important to know that just because it's been closed, doesn't mean it hasn't affected my life and helped to shape me into who I am.  Here's to the future!

Walk A Mile...

When I originally started this blog, it was to showcase my love for photography.  I quickly learned that I needed an outlet for my emotions, to put my words on "paper" instead of keeping them bottled up so tightly inside.  With all the pain and heartache that every month brings, comes a whole flood of emotions.  Trying to find a way to "deal" with these emotions is a constant battle.

We've all heard the quote about walking a mile in someone else's shoes.  It wasn't until recently that I came across a better version of it which read, "Before you accuse, criticize and abuse, walk a mile in my shoes.".  If everyone could stop for a minute and think about this before doing any of those three things, the world would be a much happier place.  Often times, we are all so quick to take someone's word about someone before getting to know that person for ourselves.  When we do this, we are only robbing ourselves of the opportunity to get to know someone on our own terms without any preconceived notions.  I admit, I've been guilty of this in the past.  If a friend of mine didn't like someone, then that must have meant they were a bad person and in turn, I didn't like that person.  If you would have asked me why, the only thing I had to go off of was what I had heard.  When I ventured out, put the "He Said, She Said" crap aside and got to know some of these people, I came to find that I was definitely robbing myself of the joy of getting to know them.

I have recently found myself on the flip side of things.  Apparently I am now the one that people are trying to break down.  Being a person that always went out of my way to please everyone, I found this shocking and incredibly hurtful.  I've always tried to live my life with honesty and integrity.  As I've said before, I am far from perfect and have definitely had my mis-steps and have made my fair share of mistakes.  However, each of these mistakes has helped to shape me into the person I am today and I continue to learn from these mistakes every day that I'm here on this earth.

We all need to remember that nobody is perfect.  We all have our quirks, faults and bad habits, that is what makes us individuals.  The next time someone is trying to sway your view on someone, stop for a minute and think about your experiences with that person...

Time to Re-Evaluate...

Having time to re-evaluate my life lately has brought so many things to light.  In the past I always wanted to please people (to a fault sometimes) and tried to go out of my way to make sure everyone "liked" me.  This led me to neglecting some of the things that matter most to me in my life.  I found myself doing things I didn't necessarily want to do and stressing out about things that were outside of my control. 

With our infertility struggles, I often found myself trying to surround myself with people constantly.  I have recently come to terms with being alone.  Just because I'm alone doesn't mean I'm "lonely".  I have an amazing husband, who I admit, I have totally taken for granted in the past, an incredibly supportive family and a handful of great friends that love me for me, flaws and all.  For so many years, I have allowed our infertility to consume me.  Finding the strength to come to terms with this has been one of the toughest fights I've ever fought.  This doesn't mean we are giving up, it just means that I have found a new outlet to deal with this constant battle.  I am, in turn, trying harder and harder to live my life with the "Everything Happens For A Reason," mantra.

Changing Tides

Every day that goes by, I find myself wanting to be a better person and I'm striving to be exactly that!   Whether it's to improve my relationship with my husband, cultivate my friendships with those that value me or to continue to improve my mental and physical health.

It wasn't until recently that I really started to "find" myself.  I want to wake up every day and be able to say I am truly happy with the person I am and that I am at peace with decisions I have made.  Not all of my decisions will be the right ones and not everyone is going to agree with my decisions, but in the end, they are just that, "MY" decisions.  Gone are the days that I allowed other people to make me feel like I am a bad person.  Gone are the days that I worried about upsetting someone else by a decision that ultimately did not effect them.  Gone are the days that I was uncomfortable in my own skin.

Just as a tide brings in shells, sea glass and beautiful stones, life brings new and beautiful people into your life.  Whether or not you decide to take that walk to see what the changing tide has brought to you, is up to you... 

Cross Roads

There comes a time in everyone's life (at least I think so) that you need to take a step back and look at things from a different perspective.  We, as humans, are always so quick to judge others without knowing all parts of the story that make up their lives.  Each story that is told has a beginning, a middle and an end.  You are your own author and only you have the ability to make the changes to your story!  There may be people that want to persuade you to make a change, but it's your story and you have the final say.  It is after all, your story.  When you start to doubt yourself, look to your supporting cast.  Whether it's a parent, a sibling or that friend that you know will take your deepest and darkest secrets to the grave with them.  These people are your supporting cast for a reason.  They aren't "extras" filling in a void.  They are your supporters, your biggest fans and the people you can lean on when you are faced with the challenges in life.  If we could all step back for a moment and realize that we are all fighting a battle, maybe we could stop the judgement before it even crosses our minds!